This submissive assent given with such readiness did not soothe him, did not elate him; it gave him, inexplicably, that sense of terror we experience when in the midst of conditions we had learned to think absolutely safe we discover all at once the presence of a near and unsuspected danger. It was impossible, of course! He knew it. She knew it. She confessed it. It was impossible! That man knew it, too--as well as any one; couldn't help knowing it. And yet those two had been engaged in a conspiracy against his peace--in a criminal enterprise for which there could be no sanction of belief within themselves.
There could not be! There could not be! And yet how near to . . . With a short thrill he saw himself an exiled forlorn figure in a realm of ungovernable, of unrestrained folly. Nothing could be foreseen, foretold--guarded against. And the sensation was intolerable, had something of the withering horror that may be conceived as following upon the utter extinction of all hope. In the flash of thought the dishonouring episode seemed to disengage itself from everything actual, from earthly conditions, and even from earthly suffering; it became purely a terrifying knowledge, an annihilating knowledge of a blind and infernal force. Something desperate and vague, a flicker of an insane desire to abase himself before the mysterious impulses of evil, to ask for mercy in some way, passed through his mind; and then came the idea, the persuasion, the certitude, that the evil must be forgotten--must be resolutely ignored to make life possible; that the knowledge must be kept out of mind, out of sight, like the knowledge of certain death is kept out of the daily existence of men. He stiffened himself inwardly for the effort, and next moment it appeared very easy, amazingly feasible, if one only kept strictly to facts, gave one's mind to their perplexities and not to their meaning.
Becoming conscious of a long silence, he cleared his throat warningly, and said in a steady voice--"I am glad you feel this . . . uncommonly glad . . . you felt this in time. For, don't you see . . ." Unexpectedly he hesitated.
"Yes . . . I see," she murmured.
"Of course you would," he said, looking at the carpet and speaking like one who thinks of something else. He lifted his head. "I cannot believe--even after this--even after this--that you are altogether--altogether . . . other than what I thought you. It seems impossible--to me.""And to me," she breathed out.
"Now--yes," he said, "but this morning? And to-morrow? . . . This is what . . ."He started at the drift of his words and broke off abruptly. Every train of thought seemed to lead into the hopeless realm of ungovernable folly, to recall the knowledge and the terror of forces that must be ignored. He said rapidly--"My position is very painful--difficult . . . I feel . . ."He looked at her fixedly with a pained air, as though frightfully oppressed by a sudden inability to express his pent-up ideas.
"I am ready to go," she said very low. "I have forfeited everything . . . to learn . . . to learn . . ."Her chin fell on her breast; her voice died out in a sigh. He made a slight gesture of impatient assent.
"Yes! Yes! It's all very well . . . of course. Forfeited--ah!
Morally forfeited--only morally forfeited . . . if I am to believe you . . ."She startled him by jumping up.
"Oh! I believe, I believe," he said, hastily, and she sat down as suddenly as she had got up. He went on gloomily--"I've suffered--I suffer now. You can't understand how much. So much that when you propose a parting I almost think. . . . But no. There is duty. You've forgotten it; I never did. Before heaven, I never did.
But in a horrid exposure like this the judgment of mankind goes astray--at least for a time. You see, you and I--at least I feel that--you and I are one before the world. It is as it should be. The world is right--in the main--or else it couldn't be--couldn't be--what it is. And we are part of it. We have our duty to--to our fellow beings who don't want to . . . to. . . er."He stammered. She looked up at him with wide eyes, and her lips were slightly parted. He went on mumbling--". . . Pain. . . . Indignation. . . . Sure to misunderstand. I've suffered enough. And if there has been nothing irreparable--as you assure me . . . then . . .""Alvan!" she cried.
"What?" he said, morosely. He gazed down at her for a moment with a sombre stare, as one looks at ruins, at the devastation of some natural disaster.
"Then," he continued after a short pause, "the best thing is . . . the best for us . . . for every one. . . . Yes . . . least pain--most unselfish. . . ." His voice faltered, and she heard only detached words. ". . . Duty. . . . Burden. . . . Ourselves. . . . Silence."A moment of perfect stillness ensued.
"This is an appeal I am making to your conscience," he said, suddenly, in an explanatory tone, "not to add to the wretchedness of all this:
to try loyally and help me to live it down somehow. Without any reservations--you know. Loyally! You can't deny I've been cruelly wronged and--after all--my affection deserves . . ." He paused with evident anxiety to hear her speak.
"I make no reservations," she said, mournfully. "How could I? I found myself out and came back to . . ." her eyes flashed scornfully for an instant ". . . to what--to what you propose. You see . . . I . . . Ican be trusted . . . now."
He listened to every word with profound attention, and when she ceased seemed to wait for more.
"Is that all you've got to say?" he asked.
She was startled by his tone, and said faintly--"I spoke the truth. What more can I say?"
"Confound it! You might say something human," he burst out. "It isn't being truthful; it's being brazen--if you want to know. Not a word to show you feel your position, and--and mine. Not a single word of acknowledgment, or regret--or remorse . . . or . . . something.""Words!" she whispered in a tone that irritated him. He stamped his foot.
